One family member down… until college

Leah has moved to a boarding school place and I am impressed, proud, and depressed.  I wanted to get to know her better, to become a good bigger sister.  The boarding school she is going to is for academically gifted volleyball players, and she was ecstatic when she heard she got in, or so I hear.  What makes it all worse is that this weekend Allena, Dad, and Zach have gone to Orlando, Florida, so last night Beth and I went biking.  After we had worked up a conversation and a sweat, we sat on the beach and she handed me a waterbottle filled with fresh squeezed lemonade.  She wanted to talk about my father, and the lemonade was so I would spill the beans about him.  Not Brian, who is now my step-dad, but my birth father.  I don’t like to talk about him much, because it makes my hurl, sweat profusely, and feel vacant and depressed.  He wasn’t a good man, I told Beth.  I knew she already knew that, so I explained everything.  His personality, hobbies, actions, and his stench.  I explained his relationship with my mom, a torn, broken, shattered one.  And I did something unthinkable.  I read a song my mother wrote about my father that I found when I went to North Carolina. It goes like this… a little of it, at least…

our relationship has shattered, so why are you trying to mend it, ’cause it clearly never mattered.  You try to fix it with your lies, but its not a good foundation, not for a relationship…. These tears, they’re not me, they’re my feelings,  the sorrow. there’s not many peelings left to throw away, left to throw astray, but I still have my core… ’cause it’s me.  It’s my true self. I can be independent, not dependent on you anymore.

~RiO

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~ by Allena and Rio on February 21, 2010.